She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
