Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This baby is an asshole
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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