your parents love me but you hate me
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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