I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
