my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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