My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
