It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
