everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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