you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
