bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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