I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
