guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
