from now on my penis is your penis
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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