i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
