I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
