Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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