New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
