he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
