just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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