i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
