the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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