Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
