Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
