someone threw a dead crab at me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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