If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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