I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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