o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
