theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
