I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
