Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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