Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
