just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
