when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
