Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
