I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
