Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
