Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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