Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
