I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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