thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
