I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
