btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
