That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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