if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
