I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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