she was so not down for the gang bang
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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