I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
