i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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