I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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