sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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