a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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