i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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