I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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