A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
