Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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