K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
