I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
How does it feel to date your dad?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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