I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
