You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
