o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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