i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
