I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
