I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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