Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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