OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
