We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
