She went from zero to smokin in five shots
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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