She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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