Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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