You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
